aching heart

I never really blog about work. But the last few weeks have been hard, really hard, emotionally and spiritually hard.

There are some families and kids that you get close with, even though you try to guard your heart, you still want to know more about a child than their diagnosis.

There are some kids that you may only meet once or twice and not see them again, and then we have the kids who spend 6, 8 months with us. And these are the kids that you really get to know. You know about their crush, favourite colour, sports/activities, know their stuffed animals name, or their favourite bandaids. You know when you can act all goofy just to put a smile on their face, . These are the reasons that I do what I do- to care for the kids and their families.

Cancer doesn’t just affect the child, it really does affect the whole family. Parents stop working, siblings get ‘ignored’ because one parent is always with the child. Birthdays, holidays and special occasions are just not the same.

And every now and then (although sometimes it doesn’t feel so ‘every now and then’) we loose a child, someones son or daughter doesn’t ‘win’ the battle. These are the days that make my heart ache, that make me rethink, why am I doing this? It’s hard seeing the families in so much pain, not knowing what to say to them. I want to say something that will help, but it seems like they just thanks us. Thank us for looking at their child as a person, for loving them, and caring about them and the family. We share a few tears and then they go on their way, and I go back to work. I put aside my feelings, knowing that I still have other kids to take care of, that I have chemo to hang, and diapers to changed. I walk into their room with a smile on my face and make that child feel special and get them giggling. 

For the most part where I work is fun. I work with a great team of nurses, doctors, dieticians, social workers, OT, PT, and many others. But it’s the days of loss that are the hardest. I pray for strength for my self, pray for no pain, for the pain medication to work. I believe in Jesus and God, but when people start asking questions about how does God let children get cancer, I can’t answer that. I’m not sure if people are looking for me to answer that, or just want to share their frustrations. And really, I don’t know the reason, but I too would love to know the answer.

This last week my Church had delve night, it’s a night of worship, prayer, and fasting. It was just what my heart needed, to be with my community, singing, laughing, praying and celebrating Jesus.


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