It’s happening again, actually it feels like it hasn’t stopped, not since August anyways…
My heart is so full of love and yet its full of heartbreak, sadness, and questions. Seriously?! Is the first one, then why? Then seriously again… yet of course this is nothing to be joking about.
After I hear that one of our kids has relapsed or is now palliative I never know what to say, what can you say? “How are you” is obviously out of the questions so I do my default, humor. I start off by making a joke, breaking the ice, making them smile and then the conversations just flows.
You pray, I pray at night time for these “kids” (some are teens, some are infants or toddlers), for pain free days/nights, for fevers and infections to go away and for cures.
It’s hard tho, when they pass away, some choose to go to Canuck Place and some choose to stay at the hospital, each family has their own reasons. You could have the mind set that the child has gone home and that you’ll never seem them again. I mean thats what happens with 90% of our kids, but I don’t think that way, its just trying to fool my self. Where I work is very hard, not just physically, in fact I think that its not very physical at all, its more emotional. There are days that I just want to cry at work, but you can’t. There are days when I just don’t know what to say, and these feelings don’t get easier. I think it would be scary if they did, there not supposed to.
With all of that being said, I do love and enjoy where I work, its just that when its hard, its really hard. And right now it hasn’t stopped since August.
But I do want to end on a lighter note. Here are some videos from Seattle Children’s and John Hopkins Oncology wards… see we can have fun too!